The Complete Stock Market Millionaire Guide

We all want to become millionaires before our 21st birthday, be a billionaire by the time we are 30, to be admired by the guys who used to kick our ass in school and the girls who would beg us to look at them because our face was on Fortune’s cover!

Well, the best way is to be born a billionaire. Have no siblings and let dad do the hard work. He will buy you an Ivy League college to study in and probably name it after you as well. But will that make it a great story? No!

So, the next step is to work hard and slowly work up the corporate ladder. Deal with the office politics and marry the chairman’s daughter. Since you most probably don’t look like Brad Pitt or Chris Hemsworth you don’t have a chance. And about 300 other guys would be doing the same!

The next is to steal the money, but we can dream about it. You will get caught and go to jail for 30 years.

The best option is to save some money and invest in the stock money. Someone else has done the hard work in setting up the company and you buy a piece of it, called ‘share’. Prepare for a wild ride and fame and fortune, where fat bald and overweight guys are admired. Rub shoulders with the likes of Warren Buffet and Musk! OK, so I may be exaggerating a bit, but you get the point. 

There is only on requirement, strong nerves! The other is belief in yourself to the point of stupidity!

Life of a Shareholder

Your life will be absolutely wild! You could compare investing in stocks to a roller-coaster ride. One day you’re up 20%, feeling like Warren Buffett; the next, you’re down 30%, Googling ‘how to get rich quick.’

Stock Market Lingo Decoded

The market rotates around two animals. Which is very ungenerous to other animals and we intend to take it up with the authorities.

The Bear Market: This is not about a cute bear pic; it’s when everyone panics, sells their shares, and hoards cash or gold.

Bull Market: It’s when everyone is so optimistic they’d buy shares in a rubber-band company if someone said it had ‘potential.

Investing Styles: From YOLO to FOMO":

YOLO is ‘you only live once’, and risk everything you have in one company that you think has potential of high growth. Think of it as the guy who goes to a party with a trunk full of condoms hoping to score. The YOLO Investor: Buys because it’s trending on social media and figures 'Hey, I’ll just sell before it crashes.' Spoiler alert: They don’t! The Safe-but-Boring: Only invests in utilities and bonds and checks their portfolio once every leap year.

The other is FOMO investing. This is 'fear of missing out'! Like spending money on pink pants because all your friends are discussing if they should buy them! So being one of the guys, and having something to talk about. Great decision friend. But you did not do the research, now you are stuck with worthless used toilet paper!

Investing Horror Stories (with a Twist): Being the newbie to the share’s investment, you must first do some research on the stocks. There are several ways to research. One of to go to the neighbourhood barber. They are the best-informed people about almost every topic under the sky. Which makes you wonder why he is a barber and not the CEO of Blackrock or Exxon. Just say, ‘how is the share market?’, and he will start on a tirade giving you inside information on 6 companies. Invest in any one of them like his brother-in-law did, with his money as loan. Over the next two weeks the stock multiplied 22 times, making him a millionaire. Now he has moved to Beverly Hills.

What is the life of a Stock Market Investor:

Being a stock market investor is like living in a soap opera, where every episode involves a company’s quarterly earnings and the emotional roller-coaster of checking your portfolio. It helps to have a good vocabulary of four-letter words. One day, you’re strategizing your retirement at 45, and the next, you’re trying to figure out if instant noodles are a food group.

Stock Market Terms, Decoded:

Let me tell you some terms so that people would know that you are not completely ignorant about the terms used in the stock market investment crowd. Feel free to use them on the dinner table. It would help people know that you know what you are talking about and may even ask you for advice even if your portfolio is 90% meme stocks."

●     Dividend: This is when a company pays you just for holding its stock, like a little allowance for believing in it. Think of it as a consolation prize for days when the stock price dips.

●     P/E Ratio: Price-to-earnings ratio: a fancy way of saying, ‘Is this stock overpriced, or is it just playing hard to get?’ It’s what people use to sound smart before buying the stock anyway. Think of it as asking yourself, is it worth it to take the girl for dinner. If you later find out that you had to pay $200 for the dinner for doing the same thing that another guy did for buying her a drink, you got the raw end of the deal.

●     HODL: Stands for 'Hold on for Dear Life.' It’s not an investment strategy; it’s an emotional support group for people who bought high and are hoping not to sell low.

How to Do Research on Companies (Without Losing Your Mind):

Researching companies is like going on a first date: they’re all putting on their best face, but you need to look deeper.

●     Company Reports: If you’ve never fallen asleep while reading a company’s annual report, are you even investing? Skim the highlights, skip the jargon, and definitely check how many CEOs they’ve had in the last five years. More than two? Red flag!

●     Social Media Analysis: Sure, research analysts are great, but have you tried reading Reddit? It's like getting stock tips from a stadium of very loud, very confident friends.

●     Trends vs. Reality: Just because everyone’s obsessed with a hot new tech stock doesn’t mean you should be too. Remember: a rising stock price can be like a popular high school phase. Sometimes it ages well, sometimes it doesn’t."

Choosing a Broker (Or Going Direct):

Finding the right broker is like picking a dating app. Some will shower you with fancy analysis and recommendations; others are just trying to keep it casual.

●     Traditional Broker: They’re like the person who insists on ordering for you at a restaurant. Some people find it comforting; others find it slightly patronising.

●     Direct Investing Platforms: It’s all you, baby. Great if you love independence, risky if your knowledge of investing is mainly sourced from TV dramas.

Handling Bankruptcy (and the Emotional Aftermath):

Ah, bankruptcy—there are two types. The first is the preferred type. The company you invested in went bankrupt but you can claim a tax loss. It is far better than you getting bankrupt because you mortgaged your house and invested in the company that went bankrupt. Essentially bankrupting you. Rest assured; you are the last on the company’s priority list as all the higher ups in the company would have flown to South America.

●     The Stages of Acceptance: "First, there’s Denial: 'This company is too big to fail.' Then, Anger: 'How could they do this to me?' Bargaining comes next: 'Maybe they’ll be acquired by a bigger company…?' and finally, Acceptance: 'Welp, back to ramen for a while.'"

●     Tips for Rebounding: "Sell, move on, and remember: the stock market giveth and the stock market taketh away. Time to find another overly ambitious startup and hope they know what they’re doing (spoiler: usually they don’t, but check first that they are not the same people)."

Becoming a Millionaire (…Hypothetically Speaking):

Let’s be real. Many of us have a better chance of winning the lottery than hitting that million-dollar milestone through stock investing, but it’s fun to dream. In case the miracle happens, it will be several years, even decades before it happens. But if it happens before you get married or turn 40, you are one of the chosen ones.

●     Compound Interest Is Your Friend: Ever heard of the magic of compound interest? No? That's fine, neither had I before I started investing. Just know it’s why you want to leave your investments alone for about 20 years. It’s like Queen Victoria! Who knew the number of her family but not the names.

●     Success Stories vs. Reality: Sure, some people strike gold on a hot stock and become millionaires. But for most of us, investing is like planting a tree—check on it once in a while, water it (don’t panic and pull it out), and maybe in 30 years, it’ll be worth something.

Well, now that you have become a millionaire, don’t buy yourself a Bugatti or a Ferrari that you can’t afford. Or a house that is too expensive. Remember that real wealth is having at least 7 and preferably 8 zeroes after the first digit. Meaning that we need to reinvest. Like showering the girl you love with love and having a life!